4. Once you know what works, wrap it in something fresh: fantasy.
A healthy fantasy life is one of the keys to a great sex life — even when your partner might not always play the leading role. Most people find that they are most sexually satisfied when they are intimate with one person with whom they feel completely comfortable. Along with this intimacy comes the freedom to let go and explore, including fantasizing about other people, places and situations. One study on sexual fantasy by noted expert Dr. Harold Leitenberg found that sexual fantasies occur most often in people with the highest sexual satisfaction and the healthiest sex lives. If you need some ideas, check out our Good in Bed Guide to 52 Weeks of Amazing Sex, in which we offer a different sexy scenario for every week of the year.
5. Play to your strengths.
Very few guys make love like porn stars, nor should we. We live in the real world and we all have sexual strengths and weaknesses. For example, I suffered from premature ejaculation for years and compensated with oral sex. Some men suffer from erectile disorder on a regular basis and some guys have a smaller-than-average penis. Develop “sex scripts” — paths to pleasure — that play to your strengths. And be willing to communicate. As Dr. Madeleine Castellanos writes in her guide to Male Sexual Issues, “Wouldn’t it be great if penises could talk — honestly and clearly — about their feelings, especially when it comes to issues in the bedroom?” Most women don’t know how to “speak penis,” so give them a clue.
6. Get cliterate.
When embarking on a journey of female sexual response know your way around her vulva — from the northern tippy-top of the clitoral glans (the “love-button,” so to speak), to the western and eastern boundaries of the labia minora (her inner lips), to the southernmost regions of the perineum (the smooth expanse of skin just below the vaginal entrance) and anus. Stop thinking of the clitoris as a little bump and start thinking of it as a complex network, a pleasure dome, the Xanadu at the heart of female sexuality. The clitoris has more than 8,000 nerve fibers — more than any other part of the human body — and interacts with another 15,000 nerve fibers that service the entire pelvic area. “Nerves are like wolves or birds: If one starts crying, there goes the neighborhood,” writes Natalie Angier of the clitoral network. Think in terms of stimulating her vulva rather than just penetrating her vagina.