Moscato
First it was T-Pain with Nuvo and then it was Roscoe Dash with Moscato. If a D-List rapper/singer tells you to jump off the bridge, would you do it? Then why in the world would you listen to them when it comes to dranks? Moscato or Moscato d’Asti is currently being marketed to the fairer sex, so knock it off with the lady drinks. Also, sweet alcoholic beverages tend to end up with a trip to the porcelain pulpit.
The Alternative: Damn near any wine is an upgrade from Moscato. Similar to the beer, there are a variety of vintage wines to try. Not sure what to pick? Head to a wine bar or shop and do a few tastings. And pay attention, most tasting instructors will tell the year, where the wine is from and what foods to pair with it. It’s a great way to impress the nenas at the next party.
Any Derivative of the “tinis”
This will get any ‘LLERO a healthy dose of side-eye for putting one of these to his lips. A remnant of the “Sex in the City” craze, many bars and nightclubs have some fruity abomination on their drinks list masquerading as a martini – Appletini, Sakitini, Chocolatini, etc. When you’re in the bar or the club, you don’t want to be seen drinking what the ladies drink. And unless you’re James Bond, you’re not going to look manly holding the tiny stem of a martini glass.
The Alternative: Meet the classic Martini on the rocks with gin or vodka. You get all of that 007 machismo without the balancing act. You want to add a little fruit? Try a Gimlet. If you’re not a fan of white liquor, allow me to introduce you to the Manhattan. Made with bourbon or rye whiskey, a Manhattan can place you in a whole other stratosphere of cool.
Long Island Iced Tea
As you mature, you learn that one of the golden rules of drinking is to pace yourself. The LIIT simply doesn’t allow for pacing. An amalgamation of five liquors (Vodka, Gin, Rum, Tequila and Triple Sec), the LIIT is a perfect storm of sweetness and overkill. Served in massive glasses, more than three of these can spell “game over” for your night out, but not before you’ve done something embarrassing. In the era of World Star Hip Hop, you simply cannot afford that type of exposure.
The Alternative: Sophisticated fellas looking for a long-lasting drink should check out the Tom Collins. A classic cocktail served in a tall glass, it invokes an aura of cool that cannot be denied. If gin doesn’t suit your taste buds; you can always swap it for either vodka or whiskey.
Photo credits:
Malt liquor bottle – ©istockphoto.com/Lokibaho
Jager Bomb drink – ©istockphoto.com/Mark Gillow
Moscato – ©istockphoto.com/Ilbusca
Appletini – ©istockphoto.com/Brian Brown Images
Long Island Ice Tea drink – ©istockphoto.com/Ryzhkov