A few months back we published The Man Code , it was simply a collection of unspoken, yet widely known regulations that govern the behavior of men and that apply to every person that self-identifies as a man. We posted the story knowing it wasn’t an all-inclusive list and that there was much more to tell. Readers’ response confirmed this, as the overwhelming number of suggestions for additions to “the code” continue coming in. By popular demand, we bring you: The Man Code – Part II.
In-laws are BANNED from bachelor parties
Every guy knows that the entire point of a bachelor party is to relax, let loose and exorcise all those evil, wicked and demonic urges one last time before spending all of the remaining weeknights of your life on the couch being forced to watch Dancing with the Stars or something involving a Kardashian (and it sure as hell won’t be the Kim sex tape). So why in the world would you want to invite your father and/or brother-in-law to such a gathering? Getting along with the in-laws is very important, but there’ll be time for that after you take them vows. So for now leave them off the BP list and get white boy wasted. Extra tip, you will know if the in-laws identify with the code if they spare you the drama and decline your well-placed political invite.
Never buy property you can’t afford
For you single guys in the real estate market, yes, we all want to be ballers, but you have to learn how to ball on a budget. You can’t go apartment hunting in Soho just because you landed a job at the Apple store. Unlike rent, minimum wage is the same across New York regardless of the borough you work in. Double goes for those who want to buy their first house. Once you get married, the house issue will be raised as a top priority. Wifey will likely confront you with fulfilling her dream of buying a crib with the white picket fence. Know this guys — you can’t go buying a $800,000 house because you have an $80,000 a year salary on an interest-only loan from the bank thinking that if you’re always on time with the minimum payment you’ll be fine (hint, you won’t be). Do the math, learn the real-estate language and then make an educated decision. At the end of the day you just have to keep it simple and affordable.
Reciprocity
Girls night out is all good and fun for her, but that doesn’t mean you have to stay home and count the hours until she returns. If she gets to treat herself to a night out with the girls, then you damn well better treat yourself to a night out with the guys. As a matter of fact you might have to prove a point and one up your girl on her activities. If she’s going to the movies, you go to the club. She’s hanging out with the gay friend she affectionately calls her “g-hub,” you spend time with your ex. She’s going to the club, you hit up a bordello. Okay, that last one might be a bit excessive, but you understand what I mean. You don’t want to be that dude who stayed home only to find out your girl’s nickname in the streets is “Chupita.”
Don’t get tight, get loose
Gentlemen, if you’re walking down the street and hear whistling in your direction only to turn around and hear dudes saying, “Oh, my bad” when they realize that you’re a man, then it’s time to loosen up…your pants size. If people confuse your jeans with running tights that should be a clear sign that you’ve taken things too far — especially if you tend to pair them with open-toe sandals or flip-flops. The combination can lead to all kinds of problems and confusion. I know it’s “in style” to wear skinny hipster jeans that make your ass look like an oil painting, but come on, guy! It’s not cool to be arguing with your girl over who saw the last pair of Apple Bottom jeans on the rack first. On a related note, Uggs boots aren’t men’s boots. Period. Going to the bar in a V-neck t-shirt, skintight jeans with Uggs, you’re setting yourself up to be a hate crime victim.
The 2 threesome rules
Men, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to spice up your sex life with your partner, but should you both agree to experiment. Involving other people in your sexual affairs, there are two important things to consider. First, before you and the Mrs. venture into uncharted waters be clear that you’ll only set sail alongside boats with names like La Nina, La Pinta and La Santa Maria. Not the Admiral SS, USS Sampson or the Black Pearl because that’s not a threesome, that’s a train and the only place that train goes is to Davey Jones locker. Second and more importantly never, under any circumstances, ever have a threesome with the woman whom you’ve taken those vows with. Nothing will ruin a marriage faster than watching your better half share herself with someone else. You’ll never look at her the same and she’ll be under the impression that you’re cool with it as long as it’s a woman. Threesomes are strictly for girlfriends you don’t want to marry and jump-offs, not wifey.
Her orgasms matter too… even more than yours
If one thing is as sure as death it’s that women talk, and best believe they talk about you. Do you want every woman within ear shot of your girl to learn that you’re a minute man? A selfish lover? That she has to turn to her sex toys after lying with you? If you don’t care about her satisfaction then more power to you, but if you want your sex life to be even moderately active, make sure at least one of every two women you hook up with gets off. Now, if you want to be a stud whose services are constantly in demand then make sure all of the women who become familiar with your love gun speak about you like you’re the living legend of Desperado.
Gossiping is for girls
Sure, Marvin Gaye heard some things through the grapevine, but it doesn’t mean that you have to have a hand in passing it on down, man. Gossiping, tattling, talking behind other peoples’ backs — that’s a girl’s game (emphasis on the word “girls”). The only thing a man has in this world is his word and his balls, but the minute you participate in the whispers, spreading of rumors, and slandering of the next person’s name based on someone else’s information or point of view, then the bond of your word went from 100% to .007% — and we ain’t talking James Bond. And as for your balls, they’ll be dismissed faster than the microfiber basketballs the NBA debuted in November 2006 and discarded in December 2006.
Image credit- Paramount Pictures