The road trip—it is a long and honored tradition amongst men. First, they find an overall reason to gather, whether it is a bachelor party, milestone birthday or major holiday. Then they hit the road in celebration en seguida. With the upcoming holiday weekend it’s a safe bet that many groups will be hitting the road. However, beware, the road trip can be frought with difficulty and/or drama. Follow these simple commandments to ensure that your trip is an enjoyable one.
1. Thou Shall Not Block a Cock
Not one from your own group anyway. Guy Code, Code of The Streets, heck, even somewhere in the Da Vinci Code it states that if thou sees thy brethren about to create the beast with two backs, thy is to step aside or assist in such a creation. Ok, maybe that’s not word for word, but it’s a fair interpretation.
2. Thou Shall Not Check in With Wifey Every Free Breath
Whether you’re at the inception of a new and exciting relationship where everything is 80 proof and roses or she’s got you on a leash short enough to smell her knuckles even when you’re downing shots of tequila, you have to man up. No texting. No calling. No Facetime and definitely no checking in via Facebook. If she’s willing to leave you just because she can’t hear your voice every 10 minutes, then imagine what she’s capable of if she can’t see you for a few days. Might as well be one of the boys for at least 8 hours at a time whenever you’re in a different time zone… or borough.
3. Thou Shall Not Leave a Fallen Man Behind
If your comrade is too drunk to crawl, walk or even talk, that’s no excuse to leave him behind just so you can sow your oats in a foreign land. I don’t care if we’re talking about a carbon copy of a ’94 Daisy Fuentes or ’99 Jennifer Lopez (90’s celebrity women were superior to 00’s), there is no excuse for letting a brother at arms fend for himself while incapacitated just so you can get your swirl on. Golden Rule goes into total effect here. Hold your right hand man down as you’d want him to hold you as the other hand that it washes… or something to that effect. Just don’t be a selfish d*ck.
Of course, this also applies to conduct within the car. While a great car accident lawyer will be available if you get into a collision, the last thing you want is to defend a case that you caused due to your own inattention on the road. You can let loose on a road trip, but don’t be dangerous.
4. Thou Shall Not Covet Thy Homie’s Wifey, Bare Witness of His Indiscretions to to Steal Her Away or Overshare
Sure, your friend has a girlfriend he doesn’t deserve or she’s destined to be with you, but she’s with him — look, let nature run it’s course. If she finds her way to you, more power to the kid, but don’t be the chicken wing man, purposely hooking your “friend” up with women, taking pics, gathering evidence, and presenting them to his girl so you can scoop her up on the rebound. Going on trips with ulterior motives is punishable by exile or even death in some barrios.
5. Thou Shall Not Be “That Guy”
Do not be the one to throw the team off track because you had a little too much to drink and got handsy with a woman or into a fight. Worse yet don’t be bitter because you haven’t hooked up with anyone and feel salty that your friends have, or went a little too far with the local customs. Everyone knows that misery loves company, but that same company reserves the right to lay hands on you a la Ike if they feel miserable whenever you’re in their presence. So do yourself and the guys a big favor, act as if you’ve been there before, enjoy the ride and/or keep your mouth shut.
Helpful tip for identifying “that guy”: if you don’t know who he is, you’re probably him.
