If the Ashley Madison scandal has taught us anything it’s that people will pay good money to hook-up with strangers, no strings attached. But you probably have bills so you keep a “friend” or two on speed dial to fill your needs on those restless or cold winter nights. The problem is some of your reckless methods have cost you dearly. Fortunately we’re here to put you on to a few essential, and sometimes harsh, rules to abide by when you’re dealing with a booty call.
1. Catching Feelings Is A No
Remember it’s just sex. A booty call is supposed to be someone who, for lack of a better word, is expendable. Just like a Stallone movie it’s all about the action and none of the substance. She’s (hopefully) okay with this. And because of that you should be clear that not only is she not interested in romance, but she also views you as the proverbial “Dick In A Box” and nothing more. So don’t be the one to fall for someone who’s emotionally unavailable. You’ll end up a two-time loser: you’ll lose her services and your heart.
2. Never Get Involved With A Woman Who’s Emotionally Unstable
This rule is for your own good, pana. Remember Fatal Attraction? The story of a middle-aged white woman who went jamón on her married lover? Imagine if that kind of woman had the physical attributes and abilities of say, Ronda Rousey. Do you really want to tempt fate like that? Sure she knows the basis of the relationship, but all it takes is a simple gesture like holding a door open that will make her think that things between the two of you are deeper. Before you know it you’ll come home to find your favorite pair of Bunny Jordans cooking in a pot of boiling water with cilantro. With that being said…
3. Booty Calls Shouldn’t Know Where You Live
Come on guys, you should know better than to let a booty call know where you lay your hat especially if she’s a little off (see Rule #2). This is why God invented motels, guys. So you can keep your home your sacred sanctuary. You never know when she could begin to channel the spirit of Alex Forrest and decide to make your life a living hell. Then at very least she won’t know where to find you. Not at first anyway because no one can obsess like a woman scorned… or bored.
4. Condoms And Dental Dams Are A Must
This is a given. Just because she’s your booty call doesn’t mean she’s your exclusive booty call. If you’re not officially claiming her she has the right to live her own life and do as she pleases with it. I mean you have to realize that if she’s comfortable having casual sex with you at the drop of a dime, then she’s uninhibited enough to do that with anyone else. If she weren’t, she wouldn’t be okay with being your own personal pincushion.
5. Booty Calls Are Not Friends With Benefits
Never confuse a booty call with a “friend with benefits” situation. They are not the same. In a lot of ways the friends with benefits situation is like the minor leagues of dating: you spend time with someone, feel her out to get an idea of what kind of player they’re capable of becoming before you actually call her up to the franchise. A booty call is basically a pickup game that you call on when you just want to break a sweat. Hate to be that crass, but those are the differences. Whereas as friend with benefits is still a friend when it’s all over, a booty call disappears into the night until you flip the switch on the Bat signal to let them know it’s time to strap on the leather outfit and race to the scene of the crime.
