It’s no secret that for most men there are two things that are a big part of their lives – women and sports. Unfortunately, it’s also no secret that most men aren’t exactly naturals at either. You see, most men can spit out countless stats, recall endless SportsCenter highlights but ask them the last time they successfully stepped to the hottie at Starbucks or in the student union and you’re less likely to hear the guy shout out a Stuart Scott “Boo-yaaa!”
But what if you could use your sports know-how to solve the puzzle better known as women? In this edition we’re stepping on to the hard-court to show you just how similar the game of basketball can be to meeting women. If you study this playbook (terms and moves included) you might snag that one special franchise player that rarely comes along or at the very least avoid another bad year where you have to pick the last of the lot in the draft. Or worse yet, wait until next year.
High Post – Women are attracted to confidence, so even if you’re a benchwarmer with a 10-day contract, make sure to present yourself as a max-deal superstar. But while playing the high-post, keep a watchful eye out for free agent females looking to grab a Corona or two as a signing bonus before bouncing to another team.
The Box Out – The beauty of having your own booth or table is that no opponent can establish position in your lane. Sure, not everyone can afford such luxuries under the salary cap, but the principle remains the same: find some prime real estate so rivals and her hater friends can’t easily go in for the steal.
Swing Man – If you can work the two-man game like Stockton and Malone, scoring is a cinch. And remember, stratagems such as the Give-and-Go, Trap and Double-Team work even better with a Swing Woman–of course, those are franchise players and are accordingly difficult to draft.
Watch the Shot Clock – A stagnant offense doesn’t score – if you make eye contact or catch a sudden smile, don’t coyly exchange glances like pre-teens on opposite ends of the middle-school dance. Too much indecision and a more aggressive player will soon be driving the ball to the hole.
Baseline Jumper – Sharing a dance doesn’t mean you’ll be sharing a sweat-drenched tumble in your sleeping bag. But bumping and grinding is a good way to initiate physical contact and make her comfortable. Just skip the sleazy creep-up-on-her-from-behind approach.
Time-Out – Few girls are going to be enthusiastic about a guy they see running laps around the club. Whether you score some digits or heave up an air-ball, take a few minutes between attempts to rest on the sidelines and study your playbook.
Killer Crossover – After a little one-on-one, you’ll sometimes recognize a mismatch. It’s usually prudent to cut your losses and find a new pick-up game. But if she has a stunningly desirable friend, use the introduction to your advantage and initiate the ambitious switch-a-roo by buying them both drinks.
Control the Tempo – Since females often enjoy the home court advantage of being more polished on the dance floor, practice some simple moves so you don’t get sent to the sideline when Gilberto Santa Rosa comes on. If you can’t even do the perreo or two-step, do what injured stars do: wear a nice suit and stay close to the action.
Pick and Roll – Once you’re established flirtatious repartee, it’s time to get that dime out of circulation. Dragging her back to your vermin-infested lair is unnecessary. Just invite her to a different nightspot or out for late night cuchifrito. If both of you have friends, it’s an effective way to run a match-up zone.
Flagrant Foul – If you’re weary of the delicate dance of seduction and crave unvarnished honesty, just tell her you want anonymous monkey-sex in the restroom. Other violations include “elbowing” (grabbing at the arm of a passing female) and “hacking” (ripping off Carlos Mencia’s insipid material and passing it off as your own).
Full Court Pressure – If you’re solitary when “last call” is announced or the club lights blink on, it’s time to throw caution to the wind in hopes of scoring a buzzer beater. With fast-break intensity, you can get numbers in garbage time — just watch out for lard-laden ball hogs or too-much-Patron chuckers.
By Ben Dietrick & Victor Rodriguez
Image credits:
Basketball hoop and shot clock – slobo
Man with two women – Global Stock
Lounge sofas & table – Nikada
Woman rejecting man – 120b_rock