“Sweetie…what do you want for breakfast? Pancakes or a hardboiled egg?”
“I want cereal!”
“Pancakes it is…come down it’s ready…”
That’s a typical exchange between my 6-year-old daughter and me on a Saturday morning. It exemplifies my role as a father; the father I want to be, the father I’m perceived as and the father I am. I belong to a new generation of Latino men who have taken their roles of being dads very seriously, essentially illustrating modern-day latino fatherhood. Many of us grew up without the support of our fathers or are healing from the emotional and sometimes physical scars they left behind.
I did not see positive male role models in my immediate household growing up. So before getting married I had to figure out what type of husband and father I wanted to be because I had no blueprint. My father, for the most part, abandoned me. My stepfather was abusive. Unfortunately, my situation was not unique. My friends and peers growing up all had similar stories. Our fathers belong to a lost generation of men who did not care to take ownership of their family responsibilities. My friends and I, we were on our own. Over time, many of us were lost to crime, delinquency or drugs. Others followed in their father’s footsteps, having children without the intention of taking responsibility for them. I knew what I didn’t want to be and maybe that was a lesson in itself, but I also wanted to make sure that I knew what I did want to be and it is that exercise that I continue to explore.
I want to be a father that breaks stereotypes of what “dad’s do” and what “mom’s do” especially as a Latino dad. On Saturdays, I’m the first one up and my two daughters see me cooking and that’s the norm in my house, especially when I have the time to do it. It is important to me to show that cooking isn’t just for women. Because when my girls have mates, I don’t want them to pick guys who think a woman’s role is limited to the kitchen.
I want to be perceived as a father who listens. Growing up Latino, I often got a sense that adults believed kids were to be seen and not heard. Even now, I know adults who view children as amusement — toys to be tickled or bothered or forced to perform cute tricks. I want to be seen as a dad who thinks of my children as important, who is interested in their daily lives.
I am also a father that provides structure; at times a disciplinarian or the “heavy.” Having grown up in an abusive household I make the conscious and continuous decision to observe my children’s and my own behavior when disciplining them. As a kid, I decided I would break the cycle of abuse in my family when I had my own. Latinos may often be nostalgic about “the chancletazo” or of other forms of corporal punishment, but very often these incidents were also patterns of abuse that many of us as adults still struggle with.
I want to be a father to my two daughters that models how men should treat them. A girl’s relationship to her father is crucial to her development, her self-esteem and her ultimate view of life and relationships. It’s up to me to, as Chris Rock once put it “keep her off the pole.” It’s a funny way to think about it, but the reality is that my girls’ success hinges upon how their mother and I raise them.
I draw my strength from the women in my life. My mother, my grandmother and my wife.
I’m also surrounded by great friends and other responsible dads who support me. I started a father’s group online amongst my fraternity brothers and it is a great source of information and advice. I’ve spoken to young and older dads, single dads, divorcees and we support each other in everything we do. It helps knowing that there are others like you who are trying to be the best fathers they can be. This kind of support and collaboration helps to keep men engaged and feeling like they are part of a community.
My new generation has committed themselves to making sure our kid’s experiences are better. Sometimes it is hard and can be overwhelming. After all, how do you know you are doing a good job and not giving them a complex in other ways? Perhaps only time will tell. So when my daughter walks down those stairs and rolls her eyes about not getting her way for breakfast, I smile because I know it’s not a question of her being mad at me. I am happy to be looking after such delicate treasures that are my two beautiful daughters and I wouldn’t give it up for anything in the world.
Image credit- istockphoto.com/Kali9