I have been fortunate to have great friends by my side — female friends that have rubbed my back while I hugged the porcelain god, one friend even opened my droopy eyes and plucked out my contacts so I wouldn’t sleep with them on. Then there are my male friends. They’ve bought me drinks, allowed me to sob on their shoulders and even confronted men who’ve disrespected me. What a lucky girl I am!
Still, boys will be boys. Male hormones overpower logic and they attempt to sway female comrades and home girls into the sack. I’ve never been interested; I strategically friend men whom I’m not attracted to just so I don’t want to bed them. Some women, however, are open to being “Friends with Benefits.”
The Friends with Benefits or FWB relationship provides both parties with sexual healing while still maintaining their single status and friendship. It is usually established when two friends are experiencing a drought of sorts. They check each other out, filled with lust and loneliness, and begin a conversation that may go a little something like this:
“Do you want to have sex?” The initiator suggests.
“But…we’re friends!” The other may respond.
A back and forth ensues. If the friends decide to provide one another with benefits, then some things must be discussed before their romp in the hay.
Rules Are a Must
In order for an FWB relationship to be drama free, there must be some ground rules. Both parties must be clear about what to expect when the clothes are back on. That’s what Melique Williams, a 28-year-old administrator and freelance writer from Washington Heights did with his FWB who happened to be his ex. “We laid out some ground rules (regarding our feelings),” he began. “This only lasts as long as it’s fun. Once it gets complicated (i.e. feelings, romance) then we break it off before someone gets hurt.” When that happened he and his FWB decided to cut it off completely.
However, rules about “feelings” are just the tip of the iceberg. To have an effective Friends with Benefits relationship, there are other questions that must be addressed. Will you tell other friends or is it a secret? How will it affect your dynamic outside the bedroom? There is also the question of other people. Will you sleep with other people or is it off limits? Sure you may be single and ready to twerk, shag, do the horizontal mambo with your friend now, but what if you meet someone?
Suzie Robles, a 35-year-old teacher from New Jersey, had a “friend” that would accompany her to platonic activities. The expectations were clear: temporary companionship and sex. Unfortunately, he was inconsistent. “He would call at all hours of the night but was never available when I needed to hang out,” Robles says. “This was fun and exciting exactly two times. By the third time, I noticed that he was the only one benefiting from the arrangement,” she concludes.
Like most Friends with Benefits, both Williams and Robles had a clause in their agreement. If they met someone new, where there was potential for more, it would be an “out” because you can’t twerk a friend if you’re seeing someone else.
Meeting Someone New
If you meet someone new, you want to give that relationship a fair chance. This is why you must be honest about your budding romance as soon as possible. Vicky Barrios, a 34-year-old Ph.D. student and blogger of KindnessandKisses.com, received this courtesy of her “friend,” C. They had been in a FWB relationship for months, until she received a text. “He said he appreciated our time together and appreciated me, but he felt strongly about letting me know that he met someone and wanted to give this person a chance,” Barrios recalls. “I was stunned at first because I had always been the one to say, ‘I can’t do this anymore; I met someone.’ Still, even though I was disappointed, I was really impressed by his maturity and thoughtfulness in being upfront with me. I wish all guys could do that,” Barrios concludes.
Yes, being upfront is almost necessary in this kind of affair. The clearer we are with our “friends” the less complicated the relationship will be. Feelings may come into play, which is why you must state the obvious – this isn’t a real relationship.
Be Clear This Isn’t a Relationship
Know this much gentlemen: no matter what they say some women may go into a FWB relationship hoping for a romantic connection. ‘Will this become a relationship?’ they wonder. It hardly ever does become that. This doesn’t mean feelings won’t be hurt and expectations won’t be dashed. “A Friends with Benefits relationship is one that is compartmentalized,” Barrios explains. “There are times you are just platonic. Then, when alone, you can be intimate,” she continued. “Women don’t always think in this way. That’s why expectations must be set from the very beginning.”
So, can a Friend with Benefits really work or is it just too complicated? You be the judge. As you wink at a girl that is your friend when experiencing a drought, keep these points in mind.