Fatherhood is a job being made ever more complex in modern times. This age of information gives us ready access to countless experts and doctors who will try to tell you their way is the only way to raise well-adjusted children poised for success in the future, but as all the papis will tell you once you actually begin to raise your kids, you realize that all goes out the window.
As a Latino dad of two girls, I can tell you there are some additional cultural and societal issues we as papis we will need to put our heads around, and sometimes it shapes how we approach parenting. There are traditions to pass down, but there are also some social norms that one should take a closer look at – like old views of machismo and homophobia, and the way we look at race, gender and class. All these things can be overwhelming, but no one expects you to get it right all the time. For those who want to put some effort into it, here is some advice I wouldn’t mind sharing that I’ve learned along the way about lessons to teach your kids.
History and culture, as a Latino and as an American
It’s important for children to understand where they come from, and where they currently are. My girls are “Domini-Rican/Jersey Girls,” and they are aware that daddy’s family came from Puerto Rico in the 40s, and mommy came with her family in the early 80s. They know about Los Tres Reyes along with Santa Claus, and I read to them folkloric tales from both our islands. More importantly though, I let them understand that they are both Latino AND American, not “half and half.” This country belongs to them, and all the rights and responsibilities that come with it. I warn them that there are those who would try lessen the value of their American-ness because of their Latino-ness, but that their unique experience of being tied to three places – Puerto Rico, Dominican Republic, and The United States – means they are amazing times 3, and are not ⅓ of any part.
Basic life skills
Honestly, this is the hardest part of being a modern parent for me. With over scheduled children (dance+playdates+homework+family trips, +, +, +) setting a consistent schedule to teach them these skills are usually what gets sacrificed. It’s just easier to do it yourself, as many parents will probably confess to after a few drinks. But as papis we must put the extra effort to calmly and patiently teach them to make their beds, do some light housework and be a contributing member of the household. These skills are too invaluable for when the birds leave the nest. We as parents can really do them a disservice by not having them do chores for a few reasons:
1. They become dependent on others for basic survival which can lead to some relationship dangers as an adult. No one should feel beholden to a relationship because the partner cooks and cleans and does the things they cannot.
2. As we and our children climb up the socioeconomic ladder, they must have an appreciation for hard work. It will be too easy to get lost on those LCD screens and lookup to see a room that is magically cleaned every afternoon, either by parents or by outside help – and as the child gets older, they associate that type of work as beneath them. You don’t want your child to be THAT jerk who talks down to the hotel service people or waiters because they’ve never done laundry in their spoiled lives. Speaking of lives
3. These skills can actually save their lives. Knowing how to inspect a car, change a tire, and maintain it well will keep them safe on the road. Knowing how to clean a wound and keep it from being infected has obvious benefits, and knowing how to handle dangerous items like stoves and irons will keep them safe when your eyes can’t be on them 24/7.
Finances
Something that you may not think about as something they need to learn early in life is finances. Too often we learn about money too late in the game, with our first credit card or first work study job – to which all the money is then used paying for that credit card. Some people recommend combining house chores with allowances – rather than just giving them money as an “entitlement” while others recommend establishing savings “jars” for now spending, for a goal, and for charity. My girls are natural savers, though I know we should get better at the general budget part. They should also experience what an “investment” is, and what “entrepreneurship” is, even it’s just a lemonade stand.
Teach them to love and respect their body and to demand respect from others
This is a big one, and especially, unfortunately, for dads of girls. Just the other day a father shared on social media how his daughter was told – by an older woman, no less – that the boy who harassed her most likely “liked” her, and that’s how boys do it. My response? No. Nyet. Nein. Non. There are no excuses for anyone to touch or manhandle your child without permission.
By loving their own bodies, teach them to treat it well, that candy and junk food and soda, while they taste great – is not a staple of the diet, but a “sometimes” food. That’s a hard thing to teach, especially when there are so many birthday parties and bake sales and movie munchies to experience. Just remember that they learn by example. If you limit your intake and keep the fridge stocked with fruits and veggies – chances are they will too. Childhood obesity among Latinos is at an all-time high because bad food is usually cheap for working class families, and many Latino neighborhoods are nutrition deserts. Helping them understand that could help.
Hygiene is important too especially when they enter the pre-teen days. Brush your teeth with them at night to check they are doing it right, and teach them your face-washing routine. Loving your body may also mean loving that curly, hard to brush hair, or those freckles, or those glasses. Let them know what you know – that they are beautiful creatures. And yes, if you have boys, they need to know that too.
Justice, equality and equity
To me, the tragedy of a bullying situation is not that there is a bully, but when no one witnessing the situation does anything. Justice is not simply relying on institutions to enforce fairness, but about taking it upon ourselves to do the right thing (for a great example, just peep the video below). Sometimes it means sticking up for the bullied kid, sometimes it means sticking up for yourself. Understandably equality can be a complicated topic – and there are nuances and levels that children often don’t get. In the early days, with my young ones, we started with the idea that all families are real families, all people deserve to be happy and deserve to be loved, and that no one should think themselves better or less than anyone else – that seniority and authority are different than value. Finally, for equity, we can all start by teaching our children that for some people it may take longer or more effort to accomplish the same things someone who is lucky enough to have money and other resources can. My eldest went to a performing arts camp normally reserved for inner city kids – it was an eye opener to know that for many kids this was their only exposure to dance, singing and theater classes. I remember speaking to her that even with the little resources these kids had – some of them still shined brightly and tried their hardest.
Teach by doing – be a better partner
Whenever I speak to a younger single man, I give him this advice – determine what the relationship is with your partner and their parent – because that will determine how they measure relationships going forward. Now that I’m on the other side of that equation – the pressure is on me to set the standard for my girls. How to do this? It’s impossible, really, but one can start by being a better partner to your loved one. Learn how to settle disagreements, show courtesy, not be afraid to display affection and emotion. And show respect for your partner and their role in parenting. Many more families than ever are double income households, and that has turned the old adages of gender roles upside down. In our house, I make the breakfasts and pack the lunches – and my girls will always know a man can – and should – know how to cook.
Teach them that above all, they are loved
Tell your children they are loved – every day. Even when they are punished, they are loved, even when they drive you crazy – they are loved. Even when you had a horrible day at work and are completely exhausted – they need to know you are not tired of them, that they are loved. You’d be surprised how many children didn’t hear that enough growing up because of some machista view that dads don’t show emotion – that they must look to women for affection. We must break that tradition by letting them understand that paternal love is real and abundant.
Happy Papi’s Day!